Don’t Touch (available for viewing on A/V Geeks. Also available for download on AV Geeks. Also available for download on Google Video).

This is another film about the dangers of blasting caps, this time targeting teens and taking place during the 70s. A kid finds a blasting cap, and even though he doesn’t know what it is, he thinks it would be a good idea to hook it up to the radio he’s building (where’s Dick York when you need him?). Fortunately, he has a friend who remembers seeing a poster warning about blasting caps at school. The friend calls the police, who send out a guy in a red car, labeled “EXPLOSIVES,” who verrry carefully puts the blasting cap in a metal strongbox and then shows the kids a video about the dangers of blasting caps from the tv he just happens to have in the back of his car. The highlight of this is a bizarre-looking mannequin that is used to show what would happen to a person in the vicinity of an exploding blasting cap. This film isn’t nearly as much fun as Blasting Cap Danger, but it does make its point quickly, without wearing out its welcome.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Don’t Talk to Strangers (film #453 on Prelinger Archive).

A little girl named Earline encounters a man on her way home from school who tries to lure her into his car. Obviously, she’s watched plenty of Sid Davis films at school, because she immediately turns him down and writes down the license number of the car. Then she takes this information home to her mother, who, amazingly, blows it off. So the next day, the man manages to successfully pick up a classmate of hers who must have been home sick during the showing of The Dangerous Stranger. When her mother calls the school to inform them that her daughter didn’t make it home, the principal conducts a search of the playground, asking every kid there whether or not they saw the missing girl. None of them did, except for one plucky little boy who saw the girl get into the man’s car. At this point, the police are called, and they go through an excruciatingly long process of calling in detectives (including a female detective with cat’s eye glasses that have to be seen to be believed), questioning all the children again, sending out an APB, and patrolling the streets at about 15 miles an hour. Fortunately, the child molester turns out to be too neurotic to work quickly, so by the time a police officer spots his car and picks him up, the girl is unharmed. (In real life, she would have been raped, dead, and buried in a field somewhere by that time, hence the Amber Alert.) All this is told through narration, with overly-dramatic music on the soundtrack. Then the movie focuses on prevention, which amounts to stating that this never happens to nice families who have regular bedtimes for the children. The narrator tells us that Earline’s mom feels guilty for ignoring her child’s report of the strange man, but this is said over footage of her blithely reading a magazine, looking like she hasn’t a care in the world. In this film, the only smart people appear to be the kids. Watch for the cheesy title cards made with plastic letters and the scary drawing Earline made to go with her theme on dental care.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

The Dangerous Stranger (film #9 on Campy Classroom Classics, Vol. 2 (Something Weird, 2000)). [Category: Educational]

A policeman tells a bunch of schoolkids stories about some incredibly stupid kids who go off with incredibly suspicious-looking strangers at the drop of a hat. The first stranger actually says, "Hey, little girl! You're all alone! Wanna go for a ride?" We get to see another little girl literally taking candy from a stranger (the cop maintains that she was told not to do this but "forgot," but you're left wondering what planet she comes from). It's hard not to at least momentarily consider Darwin's laws of natural selection under these circumstances. For a Sid Davis film, though, this is incredibly kind and gentle. At no time does the narrating cop give into the temptation to mock or heap shame on the young victims whose stories he tells. Perhaps it's because this was made during the easy-going 70s. Speaking of the 70s, the clothing and hairstyles in this film are a real hoot.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

The Dangerous Stranger (film #378 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Educational]

This earlier version of The Dangerous Stranger is a little less ridiculous than the later version, perhaps because it was made during the early 50s, when “don’t talk to strangers” wasn’t so ubiquitous. It’s also in murky black-and-white, and it seems to have been filmed in a bleak inner-city neighborhood that looks like it really is quite unsafe for kids. The campiest moment is the end, where Sid Davis hauls out silly caricatures of dumb kids getting into cars with and taking candy from strangers. These are a real hoot and definite items for the Film Ephemera Museum of Quirky Devices. Overall, there is something quintessential about this kid’s safety film, making it a necessary addition to any collection of educational films.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Charley’s Tea Party (film #46 on National Archives). [Category: Educational]

Some tea party! Charley the cat gets badly burned when he pulled on the tablecloth of the tea table (a typically British tea was set out on it) to get at some kippers and the teapot full of hot water fell on him. This one is almost too upsetting, yet I think it has just the right touch to be a good warning for kids, especially when you consider that they probably have gotten to know and like Charley throughout this series.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Charley – Mummy Should Know (film #45 on National Archives). [Category: Educational]

This time, Charley the cat not only prevents his owner from going off with some friends without telling his mother, but prevents him from going after them when they leave before he gets back from asking Mummy. This is a bit longer than usual, and has some dramatic moments, but mostly it’s typical Charley stuff, which means its cute and charming.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Charley – Matches (film #44 on National Archives). [Category: Educational]

This time, Charley knocks over his owner’s block tower in order to keep him from playing with matches. Again, this is cute and charming, and probably was effective for its intended audience.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: **. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Charley – In the Kitchen (film #43 on National Archives). [Category: Educational]

After being splattered by hot grease, Charley the cat tells his owner to stay away from the stove, in his incomprehensible language that only the owner can translate. Again, this is charming and cute.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Charley – Falling in the Water (film #42 on National Archives). [Category: Educational]

Charming British PSA for children in which Charley the cat falls into the lake where his owner and his dad are fishing and nearly drowns. This is dramatic and almost upsetting, but not too much. Then the little boy who owns Charley translates Charley’s sputters into English, telling children to stay close to their parents when near water. This is cute and quite effective in getting its message across.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

The Child Molester (film #104 on Open Source Movies. Also, film #5 on disc #2 of Hell’s Highway DVD (Kino Vidoe, 2003) (excerpt)). [Category: Educational]

This early 60s scare film about child molesters starts out pretty campy. It features a guy in the park handing out jelly beans to two little girls, and then inviting them into his car for more, then driving away with them. Now I was a kid back then, and even during those times we were all taught never to take candy from strangers, so you gotta wonder about these kids’ parents. An older woman sitting on a park bench eyes the man suspiciously as he drives away with the little girls, but just when you think she’s going to write down the car’s license number, she shakes her head, makes a “Naaaaahhhh!!” face, and walks away. I mean come on people!! After that, though, it gets pretty disturbing, as we see the girls being chased through a forest by the man and eventually being caught, while back at home the police are agonizingly slow in their investigations. The eventual point is that parents should teach kids about stranger danger, which is a reasonable point to make (though because of its time, it fails to even mention the fact that most child molesters are known to their victims, rather than strangers). However, the film goes too far to my mind when it shows actual gory footage of the bodies of two little girls who were murdered by a serial killer, a hallmark of the Highway Safety Foundation, the makers of this film. It’s one thing to show gory accident victims to cocky teens who are likely to drink and drive, and another to show the bodies of children who were brutally raped and murdered to parents, who probably already have nightmares about such things. I will say, though, that the film does have an impact despite its shoddy production values and horrible acting.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: *****. Overall Rating: ****.

Charley – Strangers (film #3 in the Public Info. Films section of TVArk). [Category: Educational]

Short, animated British film reminding kids not to go off with strangers. A little boy is lured by a strange man at the park to go look at his “puppies.” He almost goes, but luckily his cat Charley reminds him that this is not a good idea. Too bad most kids don’t have such superintelligent pets. This is charming and cute, though.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: ****.

The Cautious Twins (film #8 on The Educational Archives, Vol. 8: Social Engineering 201 DVD (Fantoma, 2003). [Category: Educational]

This cheesy, limited-animation educational film features Doreen and Dan, two squeaky-clean, perfect Gallant-inspired kids who always do what they’re told. Unfortunately, they live in a neighborhood where there are child molesters on every block, offering candy, rides, and puppies. They are even forced to have one of these creepy guys sit between them at the movies. Of course, since they are perfect, they scream bloody murder and run away from all of them. And they never go into the super-scary alley of doom. The cheesy limited animation, organ soundtrack, and rhyming narration make this a camp classic.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Boys Beware (film #239 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Educational]

This memorable Sid Davis film about homosexuality rates high on most people’s camp list, as it is chock full of juicy tidbits of misinformation, the main one being that homosexual equals child molester. In fact, I wonder if this precise cognitive distortion is what lays behind much homophobia. But this is not even the most jawdropping of this film’s assertions. That comes at the end of its first case study, when we find out that Jimmy, after telling his parents about being sexually abused by Ralph, and his parents told the police, was placed on probation and “released into the custody of his parents,” implying that criminal charges were brought against him as well as Ralph! I’m sure that encouraged lots of boys to turn in their molesters (NOT!). What is really sad about this film is that it so totally failed to address the real dangers of sexual abuse children face, while inciting homophobia and giving vague warnings about not going anywhere with strangers (warnings I’m sure most of its audience members had heard a million times). The only sensible part of the film comes when a paperboy copies down the license number of a car driven by a stranger, after one of his friends got into it. He later gives the license number to his friend’s mother, who calls the police, who track down the stranger. This little bit of advice just might come in handy in those rare cases of stranger abduction of children. But even then, it’s pretty unrealistic, as the boy waits until he happens to be delivering a paper to his friend’s mother before telling her about the stranger in the car. In the real world, especially in the pre-Amber-Alert world this film takes place in, the guy would have been long gone and the kid dead by then. Of course, all this makes for great ephemera, and this film is a must-have for educational film collectors.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: *****. Overall Rating: *****.

Blasting Cap Danger (film #222 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Educational]

This cheaply-made film tries to warn kids away from playing with blasting caps. Tag and Chuck, after bullying Kathy, who bragged about a cookout her family was going to have for her father’s birthday, ride their bikes up to visit Mr. Barrow, the local bicycle repairman and demolitions expert. While they wait for Mr. Barrow to fix Tag’s bike, Chuck finds a blasting cap and decides to sneak into Kathy’s family’s cookout and throw it into the barbecue grill. Tag doesn’t like the idea, so Chuck takes off in a huff, vowing to do it by himself. Tag lingers behind to help Mr. Barrow load his truck with various items you can use to blow things up, and this gives Mr. Barrow the opportunity to lecture Tag on the dangers of blasting caps. Tag suddenly realizes that Chuck’s little prank could result in serious injury, so he races his bike back to Kathy’s house, only to see her lying on the patio, apparently unconscious. But she was only playing cowboy with her father, so Tag takes the opportunity to wrestle the blasting cap out of Chuck’s hand before he can throw it into the fire. This gives Kathy’s dad the opportunity to give another lecture on the dangers of blasting caps. This is a cheap film with uniformly bad acting, which actually makes it a lot of fun. The kids in particular are terrible actors, but they seem real nonetheless, especially bullying Chuck. The film repeats the words “Don’t touch it!” more than the mother of a 2-year-old, and the montage sequence of Tag riding his bike back to Kathy’s while seeing images of injured kids is a classic. Where they thought kids would get ahold of blasting caps is not explained, though. A classic in the cheesy safety film genre.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

The ABCs of Babysitting (film #5 on Campy Classroom Classics, Vol. 2 (Something Weird, 2000)). [Category: Educational]

Sid Davis sternly gives out a long list of safety rules for babysitters. This isn't as lurid as the usual Sid Davis film, but the rules are so long and detailed that a subtle element of fear and danger is injected underneath everything. You get the feeling that Davis actually disapproves of babysitting, but is afraid to say so outright, so instead he makes so many rules that he hopes kids will be discouraged from it and decide to pick some other way to make money, like, say drug dealing or corn detassling.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: ***.