All’s Well (film #2 on Film Chest Vintage Cartoons). [Category: Hollywood]

All’s well with Gabby until he meets an obnoxious baby who resists all attempts to have his diaper changed. This is a pretty ordinary cartoon that ends predictably.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: **. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: ***.

Borrowed Power (film #228 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Educational]

Teen Jerry is a gentleman under most circumstances, but put him behind the wheel of a car and he becomes a real jerk. He gets his comeuppance, though, when the police arrest him for reckless driving and hint that he might be charged with a recent hit-and-run. This makes him sweat but good, as well as stupidly blurting out, “I didn’t hit anybody!” before anyone had even mentioned hitting and running. So as punishment, he has to sit and listen to a judge boringly lecture him about safe driving in front of his parents and his two best friends. This early 50s film is incredibly stilted and woodenly acted. There’s good msting fodder here, but other than that, it’s pretty tedious going. Still, it ends quickly with Jerry being exonerated, causing him to announce that from now on he intends to be the “brains behind the car,” an assertion that is not particularly reassuring after what we have seen before. This film was obviously meant to scare teenagers into safe driving, and it obviously didn’t work, given that driver’s ed films would become progressively gorier and more disgusting as time went by.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Betsy Ross Dance (film #2 in the Dance section of American Variety Stage). [Category: Early Film & TV]

A girl in a frilly dress dances for our entertainment. What this has to do with the first flag is questionable. It does give you some idea of what 1903 audiences found entertaining, though. A 1903 Biograph film.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: **. Weirdness: **. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: **.

Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (film #11 on SabuCat Movie Trailers). [Category: Commercial]

Fairly entertaining trailer for the really stupid movie Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, starring those lovable Martin & Lewis ripoffs, Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo, plus Lugosi and a guy in a gorilla suit. With this trailer, you get all the mildly entertaining parts of the movie, while getting to skip the boring and excruciatingly stupid parts. Making it better than the movie. This is one of the better reasons movie trailers should be preserved.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Cookin’ with Gags (film #118 on Open Source Movies). [Category: Sleaze & Outsider]

This sign language version of the silly Popeye cartoon about April Fool’s Day explains every single joke Bluto pulls, ruining the flow and the surprises of the original cartoon. Most of the explanations are on the level of “Oh! Bluto pulls another April Fool’s trick!” Couldn’t deaf kids figure this out for themselves?

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: **.

Chaplin - The Fireman (film #21 in the Silent section of Movieflix). [Category: Early Film & TV]

Charlie plays a bungling fireman in this one, though his coworkers aren't much better. He saves the day when he saves the daughter of an insurance cheat from a burning house by litereally climbing up the side of the building, in an amazing stunt sequence. The rest of the film is slapstick aplenty, including many forms of food and drink being thrown around. A 1916 Charlie Chaplin film.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Hope Is in Your Hands (in the Ephemeral section of Open Video Project. Also, film #690 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Public Service]

This is a standard-issue 50s promo film for the United Fund, showing all the good works it does in St. Louis, including funding a school for the deaf, providing sports as an alternative to gang violence to inner-city youth through the YWCA, funding Scout troops for the poor, providing swimming lessons to kids through the Red Cross, taking care of old folks, and helping unwed mothers to give away their babies to geeky couples. The aforesaid geeky couple provides camp value, while the rest provides a historically interesting look at social service practices during the 50s.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: **. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Walk-In Double Feature #3 (Sinister Cinema). [Category: Commercial]

Sinister Cinema has had so much fun with their Drive-In Double Features that they've come out with some "walk-in" versions, which feature ephemera from ordinary sit-down movie theaters, rather than drive-ins (plus two feature films)––an idea that gets hearty blessings from me. This tape is lots of fun, what with all the dorky couples, special promotions, and warnings not to spit on the floor and such. I look forward to seeing more from this series.

Highlights:

• Nutrition Alert! As always, Buttercup Popcorn and Hollywood Candy Bars are "nutritious".
  
• The announcement advertising books of theater tickets as a great gift idea is as hard to read as any web page with a busy tiled background. Some things never change, I guess.
  
• Mr. Whipple sez don't throw "missles" at the screen or he will report such "childish activity" to the management!
  
• Note for future reference: It's o.k. to talk during a movie if you're a dorky teenage white couple who thinks "bears" is pronounced "bars" and who gets up and goes out to the snack bar to buy something every few minutes, no matter how annoying you are.
  
• Boyfriend to Girlfriend: "Old Faithful...what does that make you think of?" It evidently makes her think of ice-cold soft drinks, unfortunately for him.
  
• What are your problems today? Do you think life is passing you by? Are you annoyed by schmaltzy religious messages too?
  
• There's no smoking in this theater––but buy plenty of cigarettes at our snack bar anyway.
  

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Alabama Jones and the Lost Topping of Doom (film #14 in the Action section of Brickfilms. Also, film #13 in the Comedy section of Brickfilms). [Category: Outtakes & Obscurities]

This very ambitious and well-made brickfilm is not only a parody of the Indiana Jones movies, but also seems to be a parody of contemporary big budget movies in general. There’s a sweeping soundtrack, beautiful graphics depicting the heroes around-the-world journeys, creatively done sets and special effects, sly in-jokes, and even a credit cookies sequence featuring photos of “outtakes.” It all adds up to a film that is quite impressive and entertaining, while still maintaining that cute, do-it-yourself brickfilmy quality.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: *****.

BBC Vote 2001 – The Verdict (film #24 in the News section of TVArk). [Category: News]

Opening credits for a BBC report on the 2001 British election results. These credits are a very well-done montage of scenes of British people with a plane that gives off colored vapor trails flying overhead. Impressive and far more creative and classy than what is usually seen on American tv.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Chevrolet Leader News, Vol. 2, No. 4 (in the Ephemeral section of Open Video Project. Also, film #301 on Prelinger Archive. Also, film #4 on Ephemeral Films CD-ROM (Voyager) (excerpt)). [Category: Industrial]

The biggest highlight of this newsreel features the Voice of Safety, which is essentially a loudspeaker mounted on top of a car, through which the driver yells at other drivers and pedestrians who break safety rules. If this isn't the biggest invitation to accidents, or, indeed, violence, I'll eat my Gallagher "STUPID!" flag. I'm sure we all wish we had one, though. A real jaw-dropper. Other silly stories include a car that tows sunbathers, an amphibious car, and a fireman's cat that slides down poles. There are also some boring stories about oil drilling and model airplanes.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: *****. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Baby Pop (film #5 in the Film section of Bedazzled. Also, film #4 in the Juke Box Movies section of Bedazzled. Also, film #3 in the Scopitones section of Bedazzled. Also, film #3 in the Television section of Bedazzled. Also, film #6 in the Video section of Bedazzled). [Category: Hollywood]

A French female pop singer sings a bouncy pop song, while her backup singers sing in high-pitched, childlike voices. This is not as creepy as it sounds, since they all seem to be pretty young. But the pop singer sure can’t dance––she stands woodenly throughout most of the film.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Coast Guard SPARS (in the Ephemeral section of Open Video Project. Also, film #340 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Military & Propaganda]

This WWII recruitment film for the Coast Guard SPARS program (the Guard’s women’s auxiliary) is full of sexist stereotypes and thus is quite campy. The film tells us that by becoming a SPAR, you take over a man’s job so he can go to sea and blast Axis submarines. The vast majority of the jobs shown take place in offices and involve typewriters, filing cabinets, and huge rolodexes. If you don’t care to work in an office, though, you could dress minor wounds in the dispensary or work in the storeroom! “No, you won’t become an admiral, but you could be the admiral’s secretary,” is an actual quote from the film. I bet that really packed ‘em in to the recruitment offices. Lots of fun and ripe for msting.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Beginning of a Skyscraper (film #5 on The Life of a City). [Category: Early Film & TV]

A bunch of construction workers work on the foundation of a skyscraper. This was back in ought-two (nineteen ought-two to you whippersnappers!) when they did darn near everything by hand. So you see lots of shovels and picks and horse-drawn wagons. It’s amazing those buildings got built back then. A very short piece of construction history. A 1902 Biograph film.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *. Weirdness: **. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

Beechnut Sour Stripe Gum (film #9 in the Saturday Morning 1966 section of TVParty). [Category: Commercial]

Silly, campy commercial for Beechnut Gum featuring The Sour Stripe, a superhero character a la Captain Keds. This is quite fun and very 60s.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ****. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

A Coach for Cinderella (film #529 on Open Source Movies). [Catetory: Sleaze & Outsider]

I guess they couldn’t find enough public-domain cartoons to interpret for the deaf kids––they had to pad out their line with industrial films. OK, this is basically a cartoon, but it was made by Jam Handy to advertise Chevrolets. The interpretation is rather intrusive in this one, and you get the feeling that parts of the original cartoon were cut out. Still, the concept is strange enough to make this worth watching. I love the Modernizer, of course, but comments about that will have to wait until I review the original film.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: ***.

Shake Hands with Danger (track #6 on Best of A/V Geeks I DVD (A/V Geeks). Also, track #8 on The Educational Archives, Volume Four: On the Job DVD (Fantoma, 2002). Also, film #4 on Sound of Centron DVD (A/V Geeks)). [Category: Industrial]

This safety film for contruction maintenance workers is very well-made and looks like it might have been effective for its audience. Various repairmen working on big contruction equipment ignore safety rules and get into various mishaps, some close calls and some gory accidents. Instead of attributing these safety violations to the vague rubric of "carelessness" like so many other films, this film actually points out some of the psychosocial factors involved, such as machismo, overconfidence, pressure to get the job done fast by supervisors, and being distracted by troubles at home. The situations are quite believable and well-acted. The accidents are rather hard to watch because the gore is very realistic and you never know in any situation whether you're going to see a close call or somebody's hand being cut off or something. The film has a catchy country music theme song that will make you smile.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ***. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ****.

Highway Hearing (in the Ephemeral section of Open Video Project. Also, film #668 on Prelinger Archive). [Category: Public Service]

Another 50s film about highways. This one shows a fictional town called Connorsville, whose citizens are all up in arms because the proposed superhighway will bypass the town. But our friendly highway engineer convinces them that the bypass will make their town better rather than worse, and soon everybody is smiling about it at the ribbon-cutting ceremony. This film was obviously made to convince small-town folk just like the ones in the film to let their towns be bypassed by the Interstate. Whether it actually helped or hurt them can be seen today. One would hope that they weren’t as easily swayed back then as the people in this film, but considering today’s results, I doubt it. This does have historical interest as a document of the arguments that got the Interstate built.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: **. Historical Interest: ****. Overall Rating: ***.

About a Door (film #1 in the Action section of Brickfilms. Also, film #11 in the Comedy section of Brickfilms. Also, film #6 in the Drama section of Brickfilms. Also, film #1 in the Documentary section of Brickfilms). [Category: Outtakes & Obscurities]

A strange door appears in Legoland, with a huge sign ordering people not to open it. This, of course, causes insatiable curiosity in the Lego guys about what’s behind it. Curiosity leads to controversy and controversy leads to violence. This is an interesting premise, but I found the ending to be somewhat unsatisfying, because it leaves things unresolved. Still, this is an ambitious concept for a brickfilm, and the story moves along well. I also liked the wide variety of characters that were created for it. Obviously a lot of care went into this, and it shows.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: ***. Weirdness: ****. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: ****.

BBC News Report (film #22 in the News section of TVArk). [Category: News]

A BBC news report from 1992 reporting changes in the Cabinet after an unexpected upset in the elections. This has some historical value, but it’s pretty dull.

Ratings: Camp/Humor Value: *. Weirdness: *. Historical Interest: ***. Overall Rating: **.